| again |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|10:32 am] |
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
You have got to let go. There are forces outside of your control: some your own emotions and some of external situations. In both cases, you have to stop trying to be in charge and let the chips fall where they may. Only then will you be able to pick up the pieces to make things whole again.
fuck. someone lend me 100 bucks so i can go talk to jessica when im in s.f. fuck.
sometimes I dont understand life or people at all. in the middle of so many good things and feeling so fucking good, there is something so massive that my brain cannot wrap around and it makes me uncontrolably break into tears over my coffee when i stubble upon a picture on the internet.
how could something be so unreasonable.
and fuck jessica, how do you expect me to let go of what i had. |
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| apocalypse |
[May. 1st, 2009|05:51 pm] |
The sky is full of gray.
i drink tea, with milk. i eat peanut butter out of the jar. i wonder the streets aimlessly, hood over my head, arms crossed. sit on roofs and watch the dark clouds. i listen to the birds. I talk to them.
im waiting for something. Im just not sure what.
i wish it would rain fire. how spectacular that would be. |
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| GREET DEATH |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|02:04 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | explosions in the sky | ] |
so, Ive been sitting here uploading my pictures from my trip and have been listening to explosions in the sky (which i havent done in a while). and this one song has been playing and the whole time ive been thinking about writing about shellie. and finaly when i went to open up textedit to write i noticed that this song is entitled "greet death". how creepy and appropriate.
while in philadelphia this last month i found out that my ex-girlfriend, shellie, died. It was said in passing conversation. people thought i knew. But i didnt. it had happened months back. It was an OD, on heroin.
They told me in the car and it didnt hit me. then i got into the thrift store and i started to freak out. I went outside, sat on the steps, called christine.
I dont really think i have felt the full impact yet.
I havent talked to shellie in probably 2 years. we werent friends anymore or anything. in fact i hadnt even seen here around recently before i moved last summer. the last time was probably when i saw her playing pool at sals, god knows how long ago.
Im not sure how to deal with this loss. Because we wernt close, we wernt friends so its not something that is hugely affecting me. But she was the second person i ever dated. Our relationship was the most intense i have ever had. It was intense, all over the place, passionate, and hugely dramatic. Every moment we knew eachother was dramatized, intensified. in either a good way or a bad way. That relationship changed everything I think. I grew up, i learned alot. I got severely hurt for the first time.
she was doing heroin before i met her, and had stopped quite sometime before we met. but i saw her track marks. for a while she didnt do much. at the tail end of our friendship (or whatever it was at the time) she was starting to do more drugs, but mostly just pills. I never saw or heard of her doing heroin. but I guess she picked it back up recently. I know it was her choice, but it had alot to do with her friend who i never liked, who was a druggy and a dealer and a fucking idiot. and i guess she od'd in her car.
i found some of the old drawings that she did in my sketchbooks and notes from her when i was going through my things in philly. i havent read through them yet though. maybe thats when things will start to hit home more.
this shit is fucking crazy. this is the first person thats had sugnificance in my life that has died. other than my grandparents and friend who died of cancer when i was 13.
the world is crazy.
also. when logging into my LJ, to post this here. i realized that my LJ screen name is actually about shellie, because i started this way back then. its an excerpt from like a poem or story about who we would drive around in her blue convertable miata and my head would be tilted back staring at the sky... |
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| grease on my hands again.. |
[Sep. 13th, 2007|07:00 pm] |
Oh my god.
today, i walked into my apartment, and there was an enormous box in the hallway.
MY BIKE finally came.
pulling out of the box, and just seeing it made me feel at home. at ease.
Being in my room, with my bike flipped over, and its pieces all over the place, bandana in my back pocket, wrench in hand, piecing it back together was the most amazing feeling. It felt like home. Working with my hands. fingers black with bike grease. man it was been WAY too long. It reminds me of being in philly, on the less cock porch doing bike maintainence. getting dirty in the summer working on bikes while sonrisa works on hers. oh man, i missed it.
I walked it over to the bike shop so they could put the pedals on for me cuz i didnt have the tools to do it. He handed me my bike, fully put together. I took it outside, threw my leg over it, and pushed forward.
exactly TWO entire months since ive been on my bike. (or ANY bike for that matter, with the exception of a day of riding a bike in portland a month ago)
within seconds, i felt a rush. of adrenaline. of happiness. of completion. I swear i almost orgasmed. I swear that nothing has felt that good. that moment may have been the happiest i have been since i moved out here. I rode around the mission. Ive said this before, but now more than ever believe it. .. My bike feels like an appendage. like it is as part of me as my legs are. It felt like ive been missing something for so long and all the sudden i became whole again. Biking makes me feel more in touch with the world around me. even more than walking. I feel connected to everything. Sometimes i forget how crucial to my mental health that biking is.
thank you jesus I said riding down the street, oh yeah, and vicky. |
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| list. |
[Sep. 12th, 2007|01:35 pm] |
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babies. love. 400 blood sugars. 49 blood sugars. far away crushes. stress. homelessness. joblessness. alcohol. burritos. life plans. missing home. uninsured for 2 months now. coming out as trans to family. loneliness. raging. kareoke. letter writing. |
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| sometimes... |
[Mar. 16th, 2007|03:54 pm] |
vacations arent long enough.
sometimes...
you want them to last forever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2006|05:54 pm] |
its really interesting that someone I felt so close to a month ago can be completely unsupportive at this scary time in my life right now.
sometimes I just dont understand people. |
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| I love autumn |
[Oct. 14th, 2006|11:50 pm] |
today we went apple and pumpkin picking out in the country. we did it last year, but this year there were way more people and it was sooo fun. I love when philly queers mobilize in big groups outside of the city for fun things like bowling and fall activities. Cristy road came to town for it too! Me, cristy, andrea and candy went in candy's car and we had the top down and we sang really loudly to mariah carey and whitney houston and other fun shit. cristy and I stood up outside of the roof and danced around for the other car of friends.
It was an amazing afternoon. this was the best day of fall so far. days like these make me love my community and home and friends and life.
  hay ride
 devin and I climbed the apple tree  we played baseball with the fallen apples, they splatered and sprayed everyone
 pumpkins
<3<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|02:56 am] |
I dont know how to be ok right now.
My heart has been stepped on one too many times. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|02:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | fall is constant nostalga | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ramona cordova | ] |
Omg. Autumn.... Im going to have a love affair with you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|12:52 pm] |
Ok, so, I went on this amazing trip to the west coast a couple weeks ago. I had an amazing time. Here a a FEW of the pictures I took on this vaca. Hope you enjoy
starting point: portland oregon.
 thrifting with lacy fucking davis.  food with lacy and laura(not in photo)
we ate food and had fun in portland with jesse and laura and lacy and jensstar, then we rented a car (which was a bit of an ordeal, but all worked out in the end) and we drove to san franciso. We decided to not take the interstate, and take the coastal highway (101 in oregon and 1 in cali) the ENTIRE way. Which turned a usually 11 hour drive into a 2 day drive! The entire time we were driving with the ocean to our right and mountains to our left. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. photos do NO justice.
   the water is actually about 100 feet below her feet here.
On the drive we ran into a dinosaur land with life size dinosaurs. but it was closed, we tried to break in but it didnt work out. We also saw a nautical gift shop which was also unfortunately closed.
 
 terrible picture of me and my best friend by the pacific ocean.
 We stayed in a motel in the redwood forest in california, and when we woke up in the morning we floated through the trees. magical.
we got to san fran. we ate amazing vegan food. we hung out with one of my favorite people in the world, alex, who used to live in philly, but now lives in the bay area. this is us drinking beers on a pier in san francisco, listening to the sea lions roar. He also drove us to santa cruze one day. There are more pictures from san fran but this post is getting too long. 
yay. so much fun.
<3 |
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| content |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|01:32 am] |
I have been doing so good lately. I havent had such a positive streak in my life. I know that shitty things have happened, and there have been times where I have been sadder than ever, but in the last half year maybe, Ive been really good, especially lately. Ive never been so optimistic in my life. Ive always been a pesimist. but I dont have time for that anymore, its too hard on me.
I feel a warmth in my heart, for everything and everyone, for my city, my life, each day, each person in my life. Im thankful for the life I have, for being alive, and for being young, and ready to take on the world.
Im thankful for having people who care about me, and for a place to live, and food to eat, for places to explore, and people to explore.
I accept that life hurts sometimes, and there is no stopping it, and that it makes the good that much better.
.
.
.
tonight was a trip. I went to the movies with the group of people I went to artschool with. Not since freshman year have I seen all these people at once. I dont talk to them anymore, I dont go to that school anymore. I detatched myself from it all years ago. It was nice though, weird, but nice. It was a slap in the face, showing me how much has changed, how much time has passed. To think about the person that I have become. It also made me soo happy about the choices I have made, where I am in my life, and who I am.
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.
Moral of the story:
I feel good, and I want to continue having this attitude about life, even when I get down, Im just happy to be here at all.
content |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|12:09 pm] |
Im sick of this rollercoaster ride of emotions. Up and down and up and down.
I feel like I have no one in my life I feel comfortable talking to. and within the past couple weeks, Ive been losing person after person. and Im sick of losing people. I can be ok on my own, but a peron needs someone to talk to.
I dont know what to do right now |
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| only double A |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|09:25 am] |
thinkin triple X.
I Had a ridiculous and amzing lader part of my day yesterday. I was sitting on my porch, about to leave for the coffee shop down the street, and the car pulls up, and cristy road is in it yelling at me! I ran over and gave her a big hug. Total surprize. We hung out for a while, the went to the satelight where she met up with us. Then later we hung out on my roof, and it was like old times, and we kept joking that she was moving back into her room.
Then me Liz, Candy, Andrea and Laura when to the peaches show. We were super close. but when peaches came on, me and Candy wanted to be up front in case they pull people on to the stage like they did at there last show, so I pushed up right up to the front and was standing right in front of the stage. I rarely do that at shows anymore, I had gotten tired of never being able to see anything. Oh, but then it turns out that JD Sansom was in peaches band and was right in front of me for the whole show. My friend Michael is friends with her, and I had met her in philly this past winter. I had some money sign flashing bling on, and JD liked it and was laughing at it. Then she was talking to the other girl in the band about how they liked my canada tattoo. Oh and I really wanted to go on stage, because I was wearing a silver and white outfit, with these amazing silver boots, and it turned out that peaches and her bands' outfits were silver. I thought it was an amzing coincidence, and wanted to go up there, but they didnt bring people up this time.
anyway, I had a great night, danced my ass off. good times.
Things Im looking forward to, when I get back from the west coast:
New creativity involving performitave aspects, like my musical project, Lazer Bitch, and doing video art, and short films with this sweet new camera. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2006|01:00 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | sufjan. sufjan. sufjan. | ] |
I have been doing really well lately, considering.
but right at this moment. its seems harder than it has been. Ive been sitting in my bed, listening to music all morning. The sun is coming through my windows beautifully.
maybe its harder right now, because this is the first chance ive had to slow down for a minite, and just be alone with myself.
I was going through my old journals, sorting through entries, trying to get ready to put together my zine, and came across tales of journeys to places to be with this person. I didnt even read them, becuase I knew it would hurt too much. But even just seeing them there, was hard.
And it seems that I cant escape songs that remind me of her.
how do you even begin to get over something.
My heart feels heavy. |
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| whoa.... we're halfway there... |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|01:33 am] |
but really, the grays ferry bridge is 3/4ths way home from south philly.
But that was me at 1am. on my bike on the bridge singing bonjovi. becuase a friend told me that I just need to steal hotpants and get on my hot bike and ride around the city of brotherly love singing bonjovi.
lets just say..
she was right.
Ive been feeling really suprizingly good these past days. |
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| ways of grieving |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|01:09 am] |
1) siting on my porch for and hour alone, drinking a beer and drawing broken hearts, bike parts, and ships in bottles on my legs with pen.
2) amazing new friend riding their bike up to my porch and drinking a beer with me, and making me smile, and making me laugh hard, and holding me on the porch swing
3) taking the trolley downtown to "bob and barbras", drinking beer and whiskey, and winning terrible porno in bingo.
these are things that are helping me heal. wont you join me for more distractions, and more healing adventures? |
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| OHHH MY GOOOOOD!! |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|05:16 pm] |
ONE OF MY LIFE LONG DREAMS HAS COME TRUE
it is beyond beauty. its light as a fucking feather. pink and red wheels. pink bar tape. 1985 bianchi frame. black hubs and spokes. single speed.
I cant ride it without uncontrolably giggling and ohhh-ing and smiling and cumming all over it.
HOT!
p.s. this picture does not do it justice. the pink is washed out by the sun.
Im in love |
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